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My Spiritual Self-Help Guide

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Dealing With Emotional Pain, Suffering and Hurt

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How to Stop Pain and Misery by Taking Control of Anger and Negativity

In times of crisis, when we feel bad we experience emotional sensations ranging from discomfort to pain. Generally, if we consider the causes of our pain, we will see that something has happened that we did not want or something that we wanted has not happened. It can also be caused by the things that people say to us that we do not like and we often say that someone has hurt our feelings. The cause of our bad feelings always seems to come from outside ourselves and we are always looking for something or someone to blame. However, it is actually the case that your feelings originate within and until you realise that you - and only you - are responsible for your own reactions you are always going to suffer. This may sound harsh but it is time to change your mind. Only when you take control of the thoughts in your own mind will you be able to stop your pain response.

The Pain-Bank in Our Subconscious Mind

The reason that we feel such discomfort and pain is that our subconscious mind has stored up all our experiences (positive and negative) right the way through our life in its databank. When the same thought happens often enough, it becomes incorporated into our subconscious beliefs and we become programmed to react and respond in certain ways. So when something happens, unless we become aware and stop it, our subconscious programming will determine our feelings and response. Even if we feel that someone else is to blame, it is still our own programming that determines our own response.

What are Your Patterns?

When you have a negative experience, most people will follow predictable patterns of stress and denial or anger. The mind will often start to race with negative thoughts; the voice in your head tells you all the reasons why this shouldn't be happening or why the other person is wrong. If you do not stay present, these thoughts and negative emotions will take over. You will only be able to react in accordance with your programming because you are no longer conscious enough to determine your reaction.

How We React When We Feel Under Attack

When we feel that we are being attacked by someone, we will generally start to resist. We close down our reasoning ability and become unreceptive to others' points of view. We cling to our beliefs and never think to question that what our mind is telling us might not be true. When our negative mind is in full flow, our "self" takes on an inflated sense of importance. We become selfish and self-centred. We are convinced that we are right and anyone who disagrees with us is wrong.

We moan to others looking for sympathy and justification of our thoughts, happy to infect others with our misery and negativity. We behave like a hurt child, throwing tantrums because we can't get our own way. Our peace of mind is lost along with our good reason. We will not listen to reason and we are prepared to defend our own point of view - right or wrong - at any cost. And the stronger we feel about something, the more we cling to our outdated principles. Often, after we have calmed down, we feel stupid as we realise that we were caught in the grip of our negative emotions.

Stopping the Pain, Hurt and Misery

So, can you stop the reactions that cause yourself and others so much pain and grief? No matter how much you blame someone else, stopping your pain involves dealing with your feelings and looking at your reactions to the situation and deciding what you can do to change it. So, yes you can; but it won't always be easy as it often involves digging into the subconscious programming that you have created for yourself over many years.

Recognition and Awareness

The first step (as always) is to recognise the problem and gain some awareness of what is happening when you lose your cool or feel highly negative. When you look back upon arguments you had or situations that you found yourself in where you didn't cope well, you can start to look at what you could have done better. This doesn't mean that you can't have negative emotions, it just means you will reconsider whether they serve you well and look at dealing with them more appropriately.

The Pause - What are you Trying to Achieve?

Always take a step back when you feel negative emotions arising. If you walk away and calm down you will be a much better position to negotiate a compromise. However, if you let yourself be overtaken by these emotions, it is highly unlikely that you will reach a satisfactory resolution. Of course, if you can't change the situation, you may want to consider walking away altogether. You should always value yourself highly enough not to put up with abusive situations.

Self-Control and Good Communication

Your communication style when you have issues with others is important. Don't just go with your instincts and tell the other person why they are wrong. Look at the ways you have contributed to the problem and how you can communicate in a better manner to get you what you want. When you start to do this on a regular basis, you become a much more reasonable, emotionally balanced individual.


When you blame others for your misery and suffering, you take the role of victim and so give away your power to change. However, when you take control of the thoughts in your mind and learn good communication skills, you can start to let go of your learned pain responses and negotiate what you want. You will find your relationships improve and your problems decrease as you are better able to control your emotions and deal with what life throws at you. It really is within your own control to rid yourself of emotional pain and suffering and there is nobody else that can do this for you.

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• Mind Power - Your Mind as Creator of Your Reality • Mind Power Home - Mind Definition - What is Mind? • How Does Meditation Calm and Relax Your Mind? • Change Your Mind, Change Your Life - 6 Reasons to Meditate Regularly • Power of Thought - How to Change the World • How to Stop Emotional Pain, Hurt and Suffering • Dealing with Difficult People - Using Assertiveness in Your Communication with Others • Understanding the Law of Attraction - I Summarise What it Has Taken Me Many Years to Learn